Me: If someone asked me who was the happiest person I know I would say you. How do you do it? I want to be like you but I focus on negative too much.

Her: Thanks! I think I just realized that I cant change everything around me but I can determine how I feel. I try to remember that I am the only one who decides how my day will be. So I can make it a happy/good day or not.

Me: ok, I can do that. I have so many things to be happy about but then I waste time being sad/frustrated about a few things and I need to stop.

Her: Yeah, I know what you mean. Life is hard and stressful but just think about that sweet baby of yours and everything will be ok!

Its good advice. Im going to try harder. I have a really great life, one that I used to dream of someday having. I shouldn’t waste a minute being unhappy.

The morning went well enough. Anne, the temp, was super nice and had a 5 month old baby at home so we had a lot to talk about. We covered as much as we could but I found I was really grateful that I would have 3 days to train her, it looked like we’d need most of it in order to cover everything. We took a break at lunch and I went to see my ob for my 38 week appointment. As usual I was excited and nervous to see her. I had been 3 cm dilated for a couple weeks already and was anxious to see if there had been any change. At my 37 week appointment she took pity on me and all the doctor appointments I was having to go to and said she would think about inducing me at 39 weeks as long as my baby was big enough. I was (unrealistically) hoping she would go ahead and schedule that even though I hadn’t had the ultrasound yet.

To my disappointment that wouldn’t happen. Then she checked me and found out that I was 4 cm dilated, 80% efaced and that the baby was even lower than before. She said she would strip my membranes and then see if  I went into labor on my own. For some reason I was under the impression that the stripping of the membranes would happen the following week. Then she did something and told me to tell her to stop if it hurt too bad. It didnt hurt but I asked what she was doing and she said she was separating the bag of waters from the uterus. Then she told me that if nothing happened and I wanted to come back later in the week she would do it again, otherwise she would just do it again at my next appointment.

I went out to my car and called my mom to ask her what stripping the membranes involved. It was only after talking to her that I really understood that the doctor had already done it. I didnt think too much of it though, after all I had been 3 cm for several weeks with no real change and the doctor telling me I could come back later in the week and have her do it again didnt give me much confidence in it having any effect. I called Dustin, let my sisters know and went back to work. Every mother I told had the same reaction “oh wow, things could move fast now”.  Still, I wasnt counting on it.

I did spend the rest of the afternoon trying to cover as much work material with Anne as possible though, just in case.

I was distracted and crampy all afternoon but figured it was no big deal, just a little discomfort as a result of the doctor stripping my membranes. After work I went to target then came home and told Dustin about my day. He asked if he should put our hospital bags and infant seat in the car just in case and I told him I didn’t think it was necessary but he could if it would make him feel better so he did. Then we went to Pick up Stix for dinner and after that I asked him if he would take me to McDonalds for an ice cream cone. I was joking when I said “I could go in to labor tonight and then I wont get one for a while after that!”

After we got home I did laundry while Dustin worked and then around 11 I took a shower and was going to go to bed. After my shower something happened and I thought that maybe my water broke. It felt like a small pop and then a little trickle but I wasnt sure. Instead of going to bed I went back out and sat on the couch with Dustin. I didnt tell him about the water breaking because I wasnt sure and I didnt want to bother him with it in case it was nothing. But then the cramps (which were still there) got a little worse. At one point I said to Dustin “Right now this kind of hurts really bad and Im not sure what it means but Im telling you just in case”

The cramps came irregularly but painfully for a little while after that. They were every 7 minutes, 12 minutes, 10 minutes… and on like that for an hour. But it wasn’t what I expected contractions to feel like so I still kind of wrote it off as possibly nothing. I thought labor would feel like painful braxton hicks contractions but this felt more like menstrual cramps. Around 12 Dustin suggested we go to bed and see what happened. That lasted for about 15 minutes. Then I had to get up because the pain was just too much. The cramps were coming every 2-3 minutes and I was confused by that. I was supposed to go to the hospital when my contractions were every 5 minutes for an hour and that hadn’t happened yet. I was still waiting for that to happen. I paced around for a while and then called my mom who told me it sounded like I was in labor and suggested I call the hospital. I called the hospital and they told me to take a shower, try to relax, stay home for a while longer and call my doctor (I may not have told them the ‘cramps’ were 2-3 minutes apart already). I called my doctor and she told me to go ahead and go to the hospital.

Dustin packed up all our stuff while I just tried to deal with the pain. I was still not sure going to the hospital was the right thing to do, I was so afraid of going to hospital only to be sent home.  Then I started shaking uncontrollably even though I wasn’t cold. I felt a little better about going to the hospital at that point as I knew shaking was a labor thing. I guess I should have been even more convinced when I started feeling like I was about to throw up and yet somehow, I wasn’t.

The nausea passed and we walked out to the parking structure together and then Dustin ran ahead to get the car. Dustin drove as fast as he could without risking getting a ticket while I was still just dealing with the pain. It was getting even worse and I remember gripping Dustins hand with my left hand, the car door handle with my right hand and pressing down with my right foot as hard as I could but I could still talk to Dustin in between. As we got closer to the hospital I told Dustin that we needed to valet the car and that I needed him to just grab the cameras and come with me.

We finally made it there and in the doors and up the elevator to labor and delivery to see that no one was sitting at the reception desk. I had to stop at a chair and wait for a contraction to pass while Dustin went over and buzzed the intercom. They opened the door for us and we walked in and over to the nurses station and I said “Im Julie Boling, my doctor called, I think I’m in labor”

They had me sign some forms and then a nurse, Randi, walked with us to our room. I walked in and took off my watch as if it was the source of all my pain and handed it to Dustin. Then Randi gave me a gown and told me to go into the bathroom and change. I left my clothes in a pile on the floor and then went back in to the room and climbed on the bed. Randi checked me to see how far along I was and then said “wow, you are already 8 cm”. I didnt have to think for very long about what my next question was … “Can I still get an epidural?” She said yes and I felt a little better. Pretty soon after that 4 more nurses came in. One hooked up my iv while another set up the baby station while still another set up the delivery table all while Randi was still doing her thing. I guess they were a little nervous about how quickly things might happen at that point. As people were moving around me Dustin also had to move to find a free space but I needed him to hold my hand. Whenever he would have to move Id just stick my hand out somewhere else and he would go hold it. It wasn’t something we talked about but he seemed to catch on to the outstretched hand quick enough, something I was really grateful for. He was my lifeline.

The contractions were really bad at that point and I was struggling to make it through.  Dustin continued to hold my hand and reminded me to breathe and that I just had to make it through one at a time. At some point I heard Randi say “I need an epidural in 45″.  I looked at Dustin and said “I cant wait that long” and he, very calmly, said “we’re in room 45, Im pretty sure that’s what she meant”. During contractions Id close my eyes, breathe and press my face into the pillow. In between contractions Id look at one of two things, Dustin or the iv bag that Randi had told me Id need to finish before the epidural could be administered. Since the iv bag always seemed to be halfway full looking at Dustin was definitely more helpful than looking at the iv bag.

The pain was so bad that it got to the point where I told Dustin that I couldn’t do it anymore. Im not really sure what the point of saying that was as I knew I didn’t really have a choice but for some reason I just really needed to say it.

Randi told me I was lucky that the anesthesiologist there at the time would give me the epidural without waiting for blood work to come which was really great because I don’t imagine we had time to wait for that. Eventually he came and started the epidural. I don’t remember having any pain when he stuck me but I do remember being disappointed that I still had to work through a few more contractions before it started to take effect. Before long I could feel the contractions getting shorter and less painful, my legs started to feel really warm and then after a while I wasn’t in any pain anymore.

That was a happy moment.

As soon as she could Randi checked me again and discovered that I was 10 cm dilated. She told me we would wait for an hour for the baby to move further down on his own and then try pushing. I spent the next hour chatting with Dustin and my parents. After that hour the baby was so low that they called my doctor and asked her to come to the hospital. We waited a little longer for her to get there and then she got there and I started pushing.  I pushed through 3 contractions and the baby was here!

Parker Dane Boling was born at 4:55 am on Tuesday, April 6th, 2010. He was 7 lbs, 6 ounces and 20 inches long.

Dustin and I spent the first hour alone with Parker loving him and cuddling him. It was a wonderful, amazing time for all of us. We love him so much.

Its only been a week and I cant imagine life without him.

But that’s not what I want to talk about today. What I want to talk about today is that day 6 months ago. August 12. And why its that day that we measure from.

It was a Wednesday and it didn’t start out well. We were living at my parents house and I was up early getting ready for work and was very emotional. If you asked him Dustin would tell you that this is not unusual and yet it was in its intensity. There was small chance I could be pregnant, a tiny one… minuscule if you asked me. I was a couple days late but given my age and my birth control status I didn’t think it was at all likely. I chalked my emotion up to PMS but couldnt let go of the ‘what if’s’ and the ‘whens’.  So I woke up Dustin and cried to him for an hour about what we would do, just in case. After that I was so late for work that I just called in sick.

I decided to take a pregnancy test. I drove to CVS with the feeling that I was definitely wasting my time and money but knowing that a negative result would at least allow me to move on I went anyway. 15 minutes later I watched as that 2nd blue line appeared, nice and dark, almost immediately.

When I showed Dustin he asked “Are you telling me we’re having a baby?”

I just nodded.

He put his arms around me and hugged me and he stayed like that for a long time. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t need to. I knew how he felt. He was happy, excited, confident and ready.

I was nervous, unsure and disbelieving. But standing there with him I started to feel better. I still didn’t know exactly what we were going to do or how we were going to to do it but I knew that somehow we would work it out together.

And we did.

We have 3 more months before we get to meet this little one and we can’t wait.

I haven’t been to Utah in almost 3 years.

Its not that I love Utah any less, its just that I got married and now there is even more family to go visit. Dustin and I are busy with school and work and don’t take a lot of time for vacation. When we do go somewhere it tends to be to visit (whom we don’t see very often) in northern California.

Before meeting Dustin the furthest north I had been in California was to San Fransisco. He quickly changed that by taking me to Redding, Red Bluff and Sacramento, on what was our first road trip together. Then the second half of our honeymoon was spent driving up the California Coast to Monterrey, Big Sur, San Francisco and Sacramento to celebrate with his family. Then there was the time we went back to Red Bluff and then again to San Francisco to a Web 2.0 conference. See… we cant just go one place, we always end up all over.

On Sunday we leave for another trip to the northern part of the state. This time we’ll see Fallon (NV),  Burney Falls in Burney, Red Bluff, Davis, Auburn, Santa Clara and Santa Cruz.

We have 7 days. The longest time we are spending in any one place is 2 nights.

I can’t wait.

You can see Dustins on his blog here.

I have an email that I need to reply to so I start that but quickly get bored

and decide to finally write on my blog, but as I start that I remember something else I want to write about

so I save the post Ive started and start a new one

but, surprise …  I get bored of that too

so I check my google reader and am drawn to other peoples blogs and find a post by Design Mom linking to, Knit Twits etsy store and these:

and, oooh, I need those. But I am bad at ordering things online

so before I get sucked in to etsy and all the beautiful things there I go back to my google reader and find a new post by The Pioneer Woman which naturaly leads me to her website

where I am quickly, er… eventually drawn to her posts about how she met and fell in love with her husband

which reminds me of how I met and fell in love with my husband

which brings me back to wordpress with new ideas for blog posts including many many nights at Disneyland

but with too many ideas to choose from I decide to go back to the email I still need to finish but am distracted

by a different email

AND … here I am, with a lot of things started and nothing finished…

except this post.

Last July, shortly after I decided I needed some new hobbies and a little longer after we purchased our new camera, I went to Sunset Beach to try my hand at photography. I love the new camera, though I have to admit I know almost nothing about it other than its gadgety and… its pretty. I’ve never been very comfortable with a camera and Id really like to change that, even if it means feeling awkward and self conscious for a while.

What I can tell you is that I took this picture with our new Canon XSi. What I can’t tell you is what lens I used or any other specifics. I’m particularly proud of this picture even though Im still learning about exposure, speed, lenses and everything else.

documenting it for posterities sake. After all, we spend most of our time there. I was in the middle of taking the pictures when I thought I heard my mom yell from the kitchen. She was in there making a large batch of soup and the tone of her voice sounded urgent or scared. She said a couple more things but our door was shut so I couldn’t really hear her. I set down the camera as I started to get a little worried. It sounded like she needed help. My mind started racing with all the possible reasons she might need help… she had cut herself, she had spilled the boiling soup on herself, she had fallen and hurt herself, or so many other things. I was nervous already and then when I opened the door and could finally hear what she was saying she said “hurry, hurry, hurry…”

My heart leapt into my throat as I imagined her in the kitchen, injured, yelling for me to hurry once she finally heard the door opening.  Then as I turned out of our room and into the front room I happened to glance out the front window where I saw ….

Payton, my 4 year old neice, running up to the door. Mom didn’t need my help, she had been talking to Payton the whole time. I stopped there, to catch my breath, once I realized what was really going on. And then I watched mom walk out the front door and close it behind her. She hadn’t even seen me.

I may have an overactive imagination.

Here are some of the other pics I took… after I stopped shaking.

I posted that first post about hobbies and haven’t posted since, obviously.  But, its a new year and while I’m not one to make New Years resolutions, I have finally started some projects and hope to be blogging about them more often.

Exhibit 1:

When I was single and met new people on a strictly social basis more often the ‘getting to know you’ question that I hated the most was … “What are you passionate about?” It didn’t matter how you asked it, maybe you asked what my ‘thing’ was or what my hobbies were, I was still annoyed. I couldn’t escape it either. It seemed I surrounded myself by people who were passionate about being passionate. The problem was I didn’t have an answer. I didn’t have a ‘thing’ and I held firmly to the opinion that I didn’t need one.

I met someone who made me feel ok about this and I married him. What I later realized is that he, my wonderful husband also has more hobbies than anyone I’ve ever met. He loves hobbies. He is passionate about being passionate about everything.  He’s a computer programmer because he loves computers. He loves airplanes and cooking and physics and photography and who knows what he will pick up next. But this blog is not about him. Instead its about me, and us, and how it took a year but he has finally convinced me that he is right. They were right.

I was wrong.

I pushed against it for a long time but Im here to admit that I want a hobby. I need a hobby. I have free time and I want to get excited about the things I can do with that time. I want to start something new, learn about it and then be good at it.